Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Partial list of New Mom Truths part II

More new-mom truths with my own commentaries added....

23. You will overbundle your tyke for winter outings. I live in Texas, if it's that cold out we don't go out. Period.

24. You will call out to your hubby as he's taking the baby for a walk, "You have your cell on you, right?" My hubby is addicted to Words With Friends, he's never without his iPhone. Plus if he takes the child more power to him, I don't need to know where they're at or what they're doing. I have my own car!

25. You will get sick of hearing yourself say, "I didn't get to it yet." I don't even bother.

26. You will feel naked when you walk outside alone. Sooo not true. Free is more the word I'm looking for....

27. You will wonder if you could possibly love another child as much as you love this one. I'll have 2, that's just a stupid statement all around, there's no limit to love.

28. You will put your sweet pea in the ugliest outfit he's got, take an obligatory photo, and send it to the distant relative who purchased the fashion disaster. No, it'll go straight to the Good Will. Waste not want not but no need to dress my child in it. I didn't birth her for their entertainment. I birthed her for my entertainment.

29. You will rejoice when the baby's bald spot finally fills in. Now if only there were something to do about her mullet. No mullet or bald spot. Mine was totally bald until she was like 3 yrs old.

30.You will call your new-mom friend to say that your baby has a runny nose and has sneezed twice, and that if she wants to reschedule your play date, you'll understand. I'll just reschedule. I don't believe in sharing germs.

31. You will come up with a soothing mantra -- for yourself -- for when you take your child's rectal temperature. I'm a scientist working in the medical field. I've been eviscerated and had brain surgery. Rectal thermometers will be one of the easier things in life. The sooner she figures that out the better off she'll be.

32. You will get peed, puked, or pooped on when you have nothing handy to change into. Try all that as a vet tech all at the same time and baby bodily fluids are nothing, NOTHING, comparatively.

33. You will pack everything your baby could possibly need for a weekend and forget your own eyeglasses or toothbrush. Hell I forget that stuff anyway, baby isn't going to change that.

34. You will need to leave the house and have your husband stay home if and when you let the baby cry it out for the first time. Try the reverse.

35. You will detest traffic -- it means you're either late getting back home to your child or stuck in the car even longer with a fusspot. I'm there already. I own a french bulldog with a busted back and car sickness. Try running his ass through stop and go traffic in a standard transmission Jeep. Add to the vomit the fact that he always ALWAYS either pees or poops or both during these trips. Baby won't have anything on the bodily fluid monster.

36. You will slide a picture of your bambino on top of the wedding photo in your wallet. Haha! I don't have a wedding photo in my wallet. I have a pic of my daughter, I'll just add a second of the second daughter.

37. You will get takeout for dinner (again) just so you can take your baby to the park and hear her coo and giggle on the swings. I use every and all excuses for take out dinner. Stopping at the park would mean waiting longer to eat. Not happening.

38. You will crack up when you see your kid get down to music for the first time. Oh Hell yeah, an I'll video tape it too. Funny shit.

39. You will chat intimately with complete strangers on the grocery checkout line just because they are pregnant or have a small child. Maybe. I may do that anyway regardless of children/preggo.

40. You will e-mail friends and family pictures of the baby, always noting that if they want to stop receiving the updates you'll totally understand. No, the only people I bother doing that with want the pics. I'll post them to Facebook.

41. You will confess to your hubby whenever you do something not-so-smart with the baby, to ensure he doesn't make the same mistake. Probably not. I've watched him slam our baby's head into a door jam while carrying her back to her bed in the middle of the night as I tell him to watch out. She was sick with a cold, it was late, he was sleepy. If I can't keep him from doing that there's no real saving the kid. She just has to buck up.

42. You will find yourself saying "I only have one child so far," as if you're apologizing for not having a brood hidden underneath your petticoat. Fuck that. It took me a decade to have a second. I'm not having anymore and I think 2 is too many anyway. What you people think I'm in the Nutcracker?

43. You will eagerly devour your first really spicy post-pregnancy, post-nursing meal. Neither pregnancy nor nursing will keep me from Thai food.

44. You will catch your husband or partner being moved to tears by the baby. Oh yeah, no question about that there.

45. You will feel so lucky to have a child when you catch up with a friend who's been struggling to get pregnant. This is very true. I've had people contact me via FB messaging and I know that not just a few friends have lost not just a few pregnancies before being successful. It may have taken us awhile but it did happen and we are very very fortunate.

46. You will hear about criminals on the news and wonder what their moms are doing. Now this is very true. The hubby works in a prison and I do wonder at what time of totally moronic family these people had to take something like a human and basically raise it completely devoid of morals. Some people should be sterilized at birth.

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