Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Partial list of New Mom Truths

There are 71 in this list from Parenting. I'm only going to do 21 today so I can comment on them. They're all true. I know, I'm a mom...

1.You will hear all sorts of delivery and nursing nightmare stories once you start sharing your own. Like you always wanted to know right?

2. You will want to burn your maternity clothes -- even if you plan on having more kids. I think this was true of my first set 10 years ago. I'm silly happy with my new set and am still shopping for maternity lingerie. Be happy you're not my hubby, the poor dear.

3. You will lose tiny socks in the wash. Shit like we don't lose the big ones too? Ya think the tiny ones will not succumb to the same fate? Pulease.

4. You will be able to shower, wash and dry your hair, and get dressed in less than ten minutes. I'm not so sure about this. More like the baby won't die if she cries for 10 more minutes. 20 minute shower here I come....

5. You will want to apologize to friends and family who had kids before you for never really getting why they had less time for you. I never had issues with my friends who didn't have time for me. My mom was a craptastic mom. If you spent more time with your kid than me more power to ya!

6. You will fantasize about what you would swap for a good eight hours of sleep. 8? Shit try 3.

7. You will be so proud of every ounce your baby gains. I bred with a stick. Twice. I'm thrilled when she gains fractions of ounces.

8. You will wonder whether it's possible to get all the crud out of your baby's skin folds. No, it's not. They're like reptiles, you have to wait for the next shed.

9. You will laugh at your OB when she asks what you plan on using for birth control at your six-week postpartum checkup. My OB isn't that stupid. Plus we already told her we're having the hubby fixed.

10. You won't stop worrying that you'll make your tot bleed when you clip his fingernails. I was a vet tech for 5 years. If I never hit the quick on a psycho-going-to-rip-my-head-off-300lb-rottie then I'm not worried about a sleeping baby. Plus a little blood never hurt anyone...

11. You will wish you had the time and brain cells to read just one of the novels you blew through when pregnancy heartburn kept you up all night. Not going to be a problem, trust me....

12. You will want to throw the baby monitor out the window. I don't own a baby monitor, I have a husband and a 10 yr old. I may or may not want to throw myself out the window at any given point in time. Maybe the hubby too. Not the kid though, she took too much effort to make and replacing her would mean doing this again. Fuck no.

13. You won't have the desire or the time to iron the crib skirt after you first wash it. And the wrinkles will drive you crazy. But not crazy enough to dismantle the crib and iron it. Iron? GTFO.

14. You will wonder how other new moms manage to be so skinny, put-together, or energetic. Wonder? No. I just won't associate with them, problem solved.

15. You will think you seem pretty together compared with other new moms you see. Fat fucking chance there. If I'm alive I'm good.

16. You will dread encountering baby-crazed preschoolers with runny noses and coughs. Always have always will. Disease monsters....

17. You will never again touch an infant that isn't yours on the hands or face. I haven't touched an infant since mine was that young. Seriously.

18. You will forget all about your difficult day with your baby when you finally see her sleeping peacefully at night. Not going to happen until the baby is 3 years minimum (this is my luck) and by then I will not be forgetting, I'll be dead asleep.

19. You will have some mornings when you bounce out of bed to get the baby... and others when you need a truck to pull you from under the covers. There will be no mornings when I bounce out of bed. Never has been never will be. Not a morning person and no offspring will change that.

20. You will thank God for caffeine. Doesn't work on me and I don't believe in God. May have something to do with the caffeine not working one me.

21. You will get used to how your husband comes home from work, checks on the baby, and "accidentally" wakes him up. My hubby has baby night duty. I seriously doubt I married a man so dumb as to make his life even more difficult than he already has by marrying me and breeding 2 girls. Trust me on this one.

22. You will pretend you don't smell your child's dirty diaper as you hand her to Dad. Who needs to pretend, just dump and go.

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