Monday, August 4, 2008

Looking for some motivation

Because I haven't any. I can't decide whether it's the economy, where we are stuck at in life (and let's face it, every one is in a bad financial mess right now, not just us so we're not exactly lonely) or the fact that I'm jacked up on meds. Let me give you a quicky on the meds. The ever so great, oh don't get me started on my neurologist love-her-not-her-nurse, has me on full dose anti seizure Keppra and full dose anti seizure anti migraine Tramadol so I'm double meds right now. Yay! Side affects include : Somnolence - that's sleepiness, Depression, Nervousness, Anxiety, Hostility, Vertigo, Emotional Lability (emotional instability), and weight gain. Like as in 20 lbs. Those are just the ones I have actually experienced from the Keppra. I haven't been on the Tramadol long enough to figure out what kind of reactions I'm going to have to it or it's combination with the Keppra, will bring. Ooo except the wonderful foot and hand tinglies. It makes you get that feeling like when your hands and feet fall asleep? Oh yeah randomly and all the time. Only it doesn't go away and it doesn't have to do with circulation so walking around doesn't make it go away. Nice huh? It's a wonder I am able to get up in the morning, right? I'm just wondering at some point if I'm going to wake up asking myself if there's a reason to live because I woke up this morning wondering why I own dogs. I wanted to kill them this morning just because, no particular reason other than to just not have them anymore. Nice! I used to love my dogs, I volunteer for a rescue and get nothing for it other than personal gratification. No one ever thanks me for working in it and I've never asked to be thanked nor do I expect to be thanked. The fact that these dogs live better lives somewhere make me happy to do it. This morning I just wanted my dogs to drop off the face of the earth and die. It was one of my less than stellar mornings. Obviously. I know, it's at this point you're wondering if there's something not right here. Yeah, me too. Last night I had a notion that things were going downhill emotionally for me. I contacted the woman in charge of the applications review committee (the one I work once a week for and I LOVE this woman) and told her that I may need to take a break from reviewing for her for a little while. Poor thing, the review crew that she has working for her are a bunch of pathetic flakes and really there are only a few (like 2) of us that do our jobs consistently. So yeah, I kinda feel bad for trying to bail on her so we are trying to work something else out. 1 week on 1 week off, getting other new people, something. Who knows. Regardless, something's gotta work out, or give. Certainly not my already stretched sanity. I have called in and left a message at my doctors office. Not that I have any faith at all in the nurse getting back to me or relaying any sort of message of value to the doctor because she hasn't so far, why would she start now? Even when I went in there, in person, to talk to someone, that was never even noted in the chart. Absolutely the worst nurse I have ever experienced in my entire life. If I did my notebook taking like she does her chart taking I would have been out of a job so fast, and I didn't even have patients, I only did research for pharmaceuticals, way upstream! If/when I do get to talk to someone, and I don't care who it is, I will give them an ultimatum. I need to be off of at least one of these drugs. Preferable the Keppra, which is what they wanted to take me off of originally, but I want it done sooner rather than them taking another 50 friggin years and their own sweet damned time. I do not need to be on so many damned drugs for so damned long when I have never had any seizures and have jumped every hoop and done every test and even then 5 more on top of that. Even the MRI was unnecessary. Cool looking but only done because the nurse had not relayed the correct message to the neurologist. Stupid frak off nurse.....

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